8 subtle ways to tell if your relationship is secretly toxic
Welcome to this blog post, and first let me say, I’m sorry you ended up here!
No one ends up on a blog post like this without typing some form of a vulnerable question into Google and let me tell you if you’re Googling, “is my relationship maybe toxic?” there’s a strong chance it already is.
I’m not here to preach at you though. If you’re currently in a toxic or otherwise unhealthy relationship, then life is hard enough as is! I want to provide a different lens and tell you about subtle ways you might be able to tell that your relationship isn’t great. So let’s get into it!
Here are some small ways to tell that you’re in an unhealthy, toxic relationship.
1. The songs that remind you of your relationship are all…a little messed up
Which artist are you listening to when you think about your current relationship? Is it Amy Winehouse and Lana del Rey? You better hope not…but it might be.
We listen to songs absentmindedly, but our subconscious is a lot stronger than we think. Take a good look at the lyrics of songs you currently have on repeat, and see what kind of message they’re promoting. You subconsciously might be listening to songs about an unhealthy relationship, and this can be a great way for some insight on your relationship.
2. You’ve stopped going to your friends for advice…or anyone, really
Maybe it’s because your friends only tell you to break up with your partner. Maybe it’s because the situation you want advice on is so messed up you’re nervous to really tell anyone. Maybe it’s because you know what advice they would give, and you don’t want to hear it.
If you’re nervous to share details about your relationship with anyone, this is a big sign that you’re in an unhealthy relationship.
3. Check your social media from a year ago, and compare it to your last month on social media
This works great if you have a Twitter account, or post lengthy captions on Instagram. I know social media is usually just a highlight reel for people, but it can provide some valuable information.
Just look at things you posted and what you wrote before you met this person. What were you talking about? Where were you going? How was your vibe?
Were you out with your friends and going to events a year ago, but now you find yourself not in touch with the same people, and spending nights at home? Were you working out a year ago and now you find that you aren’t?
When we date toxic people, we fall quietly into other toxic or unhealthy patterns, and looking at your past year through photos and social media might help you to realize what state of mind you used to be in, and which state of mind you’re currently in.
4. You’re terrified to break up with your partner. But the idea of them dying isn’t so terrifying.
I know this one sounds dark, but stay with me!
My therapist asked me this question back when I was in a past relationship. She asked me to imagine leaving my partner, and not being with them. The idea made me sick, and I hated thinking about not being with them.
She then asked how I would feel if my partner died. Oddly enough - and I really wasn’t expecting this - I felt fine. That was something I could easily handle.
Take a moment, and ask yourself the above questions and see how you feel. Really visualize and imagine it.
A normal, healthy relationship would be one where you can stomach leaving the person, but you would never want them to die!!! If you’ve got your priorities twisted, like I did, you’re probably in a toxic situation.
5. There is lying and dishonesty in your relationship
Here it is in brass tax: If your partner is lying to you, you are in a toxic relationship. You’re in a relationship where you don’t even know the true reality of what is happening.
Maybe you think you’re dating someone financially stable, but they’re in massive debt. You didn’t consent to that relationship - but because your partner is lying, you’re living in that reality without knowing it. They’re putting you at risk.
Lying always involves risk, especially for the victims. If your partner lies about fidelity, your health is at risk. If they lie about their job, family, friends, or other aspects, your safety could be at risk.
And worst of all, being constantly lied to changes your perception of reality. Anyone who is lied to every day eventually turns into a basket case - you can’t help it! And that puts your mental health at risk.
6. Your hypothetical situations are getting out of hand
It’s not unusual to daydream about ways our relationship could be better.
Ah, things would be so great if his mother stopped dropping by unannounced. Or hey, imagine if we won a contest for a free vacation together! That would be great!
That’s all pretty normal. But if you find yourself daydreaming about how to make your relationship better and they go something like
Ah, if only he stopped gambling away our rent money. It would be great if I was somehow able to trust him completely even though I haven’t for the last two years. If he didn’t keep hanging out with his ex-girlfriend all the time and lying about it, that would be amazing!
Are you daydreaming for things and asking for the bare minimum in your daydreams? Or, are you daydreaming about things and asking for things so big that they can’t possibly be solved?
If you’re doing either of those things, then you’ve got a toxic relationship on your hands!
7. The characters from TV shows that remind you of your relationship are all…terrible
If you watch Modern Family and the relationships on there remind you of your own - you are in a healthy relationship. Who doesn’t want something like Cam and Mitchell?
But if you think “oh we’re just like Big and Carrie!” or “we’re basically Ross and Rachel!” then you might not be in a great relationship. Try and think of which fictional couples your relationship takes after, and take it from there.
8. You’re developing weird crushes on people you don’t even know or like
This for me, is always the tell-tale sign that you need to get out of a relationship (even if it’s not toxic, it’s a sign the relationship has run it’s course).
Is the delivery guy looking a bit cuter than usual? Or are you normally not fazed by a co-worker who crushes on you, but lately he’s seemed really sweet and you’re finding yourself interested?
You might just be looking for a way out of your current situation.
And hey - that’s totally fine! Sometimes we need a getaway car to pick us up from bad situations. But if you’re finding yourself desiring a life with someone that you normally would not be interested in, it might be your sub-concious screaming at you to be with someone else, anyone else.
I’m not normally one to suggest leap-frogging from one relationship to the next, but if you’re currently in a toxic relationship, jumping to another one right away might be the thing you need. Once again, it’s not the healthiest, but it can be one of the most effective methods!
I think most people leave unhealthy relationships because of either one lightbulb moment (that usually comes months too late) or because their partner leaves them…or…I don’t know, someone from either party dies?
Toxic relationships are a strong bond to break out of! Just listen to Lana del Rey, she knows all about it. She left her toxic older man lover and ended up writing songs for years about how she would rather be dead than be without him. Toxicity is powerful.
But the first step is realizing that you’re not in a good situation, and I hope these tips and tricks will help you with the subtle knowledge that you might not be in a great relationship.
Best of luck to anyone going through this! Much love.
Until the next one,
S