7 reasons why Elon Musk should date me
Look, I know that I belong with Elon Musk. Despite the fact that our horoscope compatibility says “unlikely” and when my dad found out how old he was he said “no way in hell,” I really do think that Elon is the man for me, and I want to prove it to you.
Here are the top seven reasons why Elon Musk and I should start dating
1. If Cancel Culture keeps going after Elon Musk, he’ll be knocked down enough pegs that I’ll have a chance
Thank god Ghislaine Maxwell photobombed Elon at a Vanity Fair party. Because the internet is now trying to #cancel the Muskster (I can call him that, right?) and this means that ja girl Shannon might finally have a fighting chance to catch his attention.
Granted - the internet’s success rate in cancelling people is still at a firm zero percent. But I’m hopeful that with the rise of Generation Z’s digital tenacity, Elon Musk could effectively be cancelled, and I could be the one to dust him off and carry him away into the sunset.
2. Elon Musk and I have both gotten plastic surgery and cosmetic work done. We have so much in common <3
I’ve tweeted many times about this before, but Elon Musk was not always the Adonis he is today! Back when he was in his newly immigrated days, his PayPal days, he looked a little something like this.
But now, I don’t think it’s an exaggeration at all to say that Elon Musk oozes sensuality. He has a thick head of hair, clear skin, a winning smile, and I’m positive it’s because he’s gotten work done. To that, I say: me too.
I got my nose done in 2018 and I feel like Elon and I could really bond over the fact that we’re both vain enough to go under the knife, you know? We could laugh at our before and after pictures over a seaside dinner. We could share stories about our recovery in the candlelight. I just feel like this is a great “in” to have with Elon, and could give me a relatable edge.
3. Elon Musk has a weird obsession with blondes and thanks to Joseph my hair guy in the East Village, I am blonde
So many people ragged on Elon Musk when his ex-wife released that piece about how he kept insisting that she dye her hair blonde. They were like it’s her body and that’s so rude of him!
Elon - I am no Justine. I would actually love to be with a man who prefers blonde hair so much that he pays to have the coloring done. Because I go to Joseph in the East Village to keep my hair a light blonde and let me tell you it is not cheap. Dating Elon Musk would be like killing two birds with one bottle of bleach (and toner).
4. I once made it to the front page of Reddit and since Elon Musk is a Meme King I think he would like that
I can’t show the exact link to what post made it to the front page (I don’t want to give my Reddit username to the internet) but it was in fact a meme and it did in fact do very well. Trust me.
Okay, I won’t post the link, but I’ll show what the meme was. And this took off back in 2012 so you might not think it’s funny today, but back in 2012 it was really funny.
Right?? Elon Musk is always posting memes on Twitter so I think that he would like…get turned on by the fact that I made it to the front page. Or something.
5. Every time I see a Tesla, I have a photoshoot with it. This is proven evidence of supporting Elon Musk’s career
I’m not a geek by any stretch of the imagination (please ignore the previous point about Reddit) but I am admittedly obsessed with Teslas. Our neighbor bought one back when I was in college so I had a photoshoot with it. And then last year in Denver my dad rented one so I had another photoshoot with it.
See? Elon and I aren’t even married yet but already I am promoting his work and showing my dedication to his career. Some call this pro bono advertising. Some call it idiotic vanity. But I…call it love.
6. I wouldn’t judge Elon Musk for his threesome with Cara Delevingne and Amber Heard because I, too, think Cara and Amber are crazy hot
First of all, I would never judge my future husband Elon about anything. I love him, okay?
But he’s been getting some flack online because apparently when Amber Heard was married to Johnny Depp…she had a threesome with Elon Musk and Cara Delevingne. Inside Johnny Depp’s house. And there’s private elevator footage proving it.
Some people say this is not so good!
But I am different than most people, Elon. I kind of get it, mostly because Cara Delevingne is super hot. This is another thing I tweet about often.
If Elon Musk and I got together, I would totally be able to let go of the fact that he was inside of my female celebrity crush. I would not get jealous and maybe freak out over it, and throw a plate at his head.
7. I would support Elon Musk’s mission to mars, and even encourage a trip to Uranus
This is mostly because I think it’s hilarious that we have a planet named Uranus. How are we not talking about this more?? There are so many jokes that could be made. It’s ripe with opportunity.
And I think if Elon was encouraged by his young, blonde wife (yours truly) to make a trip to Uranus, then we could have incredible merch that comes from it.
Mission to your anus? Elon Musk wants to go to your anus? Once Elon is done with Mars, he’s setting his sights on your anus? I just want to hear these sentences come out of news reporters mouths and if I’m influencing him every night as his wife to make it happen…there’s a chance it could.
There we have it, my top seven reasons why Elon Musk and I should be together.
There are in fact a few red flags for why this maybe won’t happen. I asked Bridget what she thought about the idea of “us” and sadly she wasn’t as on board as I am.
But as Shakespeare taught us, love is all about proving other people wrong! I belong with Elon Musk, I just feel it in my bones. I want to ride in a private jet with him, airdropping each other funny memes from across the plane. I want to play Marco Polo with him in a mansion that’s so big it needs multiple Wifi extenders. I just want a simple life with the man I love, you know?
So let me know what your thoughts are in the comments below. Do you want to be invited to the wedding? And if so, do you want the chicken or the fish? Please get back to me soon because I’m sure Elon will be reaching out any day now to propose, and I just get the feeling we’re going to want a short engagement, you know?
Until the next one,
S