4 grocery food items that tick louder than my biological clock ever could
It’s all fun and games at Trader Joe’s until I stumble upon a double-layered carton of eggs, and suddenly realize how alone I am in life.
I live in a studio in New York. By myself. How on earth could I ever eat those eggs solo? Why, if I had a family I could throw a few hardboiled eggs into different lunchboxes in the morning and be done with it. Suddenly I’m desiring a family - and worse, I’m crying at Trader Joe’s and the staff is looking at me. It feels weird to have someone in a Hawaiian shirt give you sympathy eyes.
There are certain grocery food items that bully me about how I live alone, and I want to call them out directly in this blog post. See how they like the tables having turned on them! Not so brave now, are you?
Here are 4 grocery food items that bully me about living alone and make me want to start a family immediately.
1. Bags of avocados
A single person? Trying to eat eight avocados in the timespan of a week with none of them going bad? It’s an impossible task.
If I had a family I could assign each member an avocado for the week. But instead, it’s just myself, and a mountain of quickly ripening avocados before me. Thank goodness they are high in brain-healthy fats because to eat these as a single person you must strategize a schedule of how to ingest them before they go rotten.
2. Milk of any kind
I didn’t realize this until I started living on my own, but milk cartons are big boys. I’m fully convinced no studio-dwelling human can finish a carton of milk in a week.
I want milk to come in creamer carton size - after all, I only use a splash of almond milk for coffee. But no. The dairy lobbyists are at it once again because milk only comes in “big cardboard carton” size or “monstrous plastic size” and suddenly I’m standing in the aisle at Trader Joe’s feeling so very, very alone. How can I drink all of this milk?
3. Those 16x16 cartons of eggs that triggered me in the intro
I don’t know when Costco told everyone it was okay to do this, but regular grocery stores now offer the option of buying like, 200 eggs in one go. I am not Gaston!!
I always buy the 6 pack of eggs, but as I grab them, the 16x16 cartons look at me with this sad little egg look that says “you sleep alone at night, don’t you?” and I find myself cracking my eggs open the next day a little harder than I normally would. Sorry, eggs!
4. Sometimes just a hefty bundle of bananas will do it
Similar to the avocado situation, it is a strategic mental dance to eat a full bundle of bananas within the timespan of a week when you live alone. They’re all green until one day they all decide to go spotty and I have to cram three of them into my mouth before they go full-on rotten. If I had a family, I would just tell my kids to have their friends over and give each of them a banana! Problem solved!! Easy fix!!
Well, that felt good to get off of my chest. Don’t let anyone tell you that food items can’t trigger you - because if this blog has taught you anything, I hope that it is how to be triggered by anything and everything.
Please join me in my quest for cancelling these food items because of their insensitivity to people who live solo. I don’t know if food can go extinct like animals, but hey let’s try to make it happen! And of course, if there are any foods that trigger you about not having a family, please leave them in the comment below. I’ll call them out in the next blog post, like any sane and rational person would.
Until the next one,
S