Ugh 26 things that I've yuck learned since I turned 26 barf
I hate this title. I hate this post. I haven’t even written it yet and it makes me want to barf and die.
Which, by the way, is what I do to my guests in Roller Coaster Tycoon! That’s right everyone, I recently downloaded the epic old school computer game and have been playing it. And whenever someone barfs after being on a roller coaster, I drown them in a lake. It’s fun times.
But at any rate, I see this format done a lot in blog posts and Instagram posts and just…you know, I want to be a sheep for a bit. Baaa. That’s me, being a sheep…motherfucker.
So here are 26 things that I’ve learned in my 26 years of life. They aren’t all profound, but I stand by every one of them.
Let’s get into it.
If you stalk someone’s social media accounts while brushing your teeth, you will brush for the full 2 minutes.
No one is “too busy” to text, ever. Take it as a sign if someone isn’t texting you, or uses that as an excuse.
Prosecco tastes better than Champagne.
Start investing your money now, like right fucking now. The earlier the better, even if you can only put a little bit in. Check out this 5 minute video, it explains it nicely.
Spend money to see a dermatologist and get their advice on your skin. Use drugstore products like Cetaphil and Cerave. They literally do the same shit expensive products do.
The best way to get over someone is to be sad for a month or two, and then get under someone new. This is bible. This will literally, chemically, help you get over someone. Chemicals are released during sex, I’m not making this up.
See a therapist. Even if you only go once, just go. There’s stuff that haunts all of us and it won’t go away on its own.
Do shame people when they’re being assholes. That’s the only time you should ever shame someone. If you shame people for being themselves, or enjoying something, or anything of that kind…you’re an asshole.
Stop eating so much meat and dairy. You don’t need to cut it out, but that shit isn’t good for you.
By the same token, if you’re afraid to look into what’s really going on in an industry…don’t heavily support them. If you’re afraid to watch slaughterhouse footage, cut down on your meat. If you know pornstars are treated poorly, try listening to audioporn instead. If you know your clothes are made by children in 3rd world countries, opt to rent your clothing instead.
Getting high, putting on noise cancelling headphones and listening to ASMR is the best feeling in the world. Even better than chemical releasing sex.
Everyone thinks cheating isn’t a big deal until it happens to them and fucks them up. Everyone in the world will have at least one catastrophic experience with cheating. And then you think about it differently.
Walk around a lot. It does more to keep you skinny than you would think, and it’s a cool way to get to know your area, where you’re staying on vacation, etc.
If you’re dating someone, talk about your Love Language.
Always have some type of beer, wine and liquor at your place. It’s just the rules of owning/renting a place.
Get a Brita filter and a water bottle you really like. This will do more for your skin and body than any other treatment or service.
When you’re in a fight with someone, act like a third party is watching. I use this rule all the time when I’m texting someone and we’re upset with each other. Act like everything you write, say or send could be seen by thousands of people - in this day, it could. And then fight so kindly and so well that, in your mind, all of your boyfriend’s friends who are reading your text messages go, “Shit, I’m actually Team Shannon, she’s making some really good points”
Find the secret crapper. There’s always a lone toilet no one uses at work. Find it.
As a woman, smile at men. I’m serious. Smile at the guy in the airport, the car mechanic, the landlord…you name it. I know everyone out there says that we don’t have to smile - and we don’t - but this will really help you. Read The Surrendered Single if you want to know more.
When you’re feeling really depressed, looking at memes about depression will give you a momentary boost.
Try really hard to make friends with the people you work with. It will make every day a lot easier.
Only date people that are obsessed with you. Don’t waste time on anyone else (unless you’re looking for something casual for a bit). But when it comes to the big leagues - obsession or nothing.
If plastic or cosmetic surgery is going to make you feel better about yourself, get it. Life is short. Don’t let others’ opinions influence you when it comes to that. Just trust yourself.
If you wear headphones and listen to music/podcasts with them on while you’re in your house…you’ll end up cleaning and organizing. You just will. Give it a try.
Only buy good quality shoes.
If you don’t have a squatty potty, just poop with your highest heels on. Does the same thing.
Phew okay, there we have it! I think those are all some sage pieces of wisdom, especially the squatty potty one. Yoda is shook to death. Gandhi is quaking. That wise monkey from the Lion King just…pooed in his pants.
I don’t know guys. I’m trying to get a blog post out and keep this thing regular even though work is nuts for the next 2 weeks and every weekend is busy but I’m trying ahhh god I’m trying!
Until the next one,