How to tell if you have a big lesbian crush on your female friend

This blog post is for the teen girls out there who keep googling “not sure if I am gay or not quiz” because hello, I’ve been in your shoes before. Or, rather, lesbian Birkenstocks. 

I don’t know why I thought in such black and white terms growing up, but as a teenager I was under the impression that you were only either gay or straight. And as someone who grew up with a lot of confusing feelings about females, I was constantly on the fence about what my sexuality was. 

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As a female, I think it’s a lot harder to come to terms with your potential gayness than it is for men. We normalize things such as “girl crushes” and changing in front of each other, sleeping in the same bed, wearing each other’s clothing and kissing each other on the cheeks, things like that. All of these relationship-esque features are in female friendships and it’s confusing as fuck. 

Here are some verified ways that you can tell if you have a lesbian crush on your female friend.

You care about your appearance around her

We all want to look nice around people, and putting on makeup before you see your girlfriends for brunch is totally normal. But if you’re about to meet up with your friend, and you spent an hour on makeup, changed your outfit 5 times, and curled your hair (or whatever your variation of looking good is - that’s just mine) then you have a full ass crush, baby. 

Most of my female friends are people who I can show my leg hair off to and go braless around. But if you find yourself putting extra effort into your appearance before you see a certain friend - there’s something going on there.

You get nervous before you see her

Back when I was living in Chicago I had this massive crush on a friend of mine. I remember one day specifically, she was coming over to my apartment to hang out. I had tried on four different outfits, literally made a whole ass “not trying too hard but sexy” playlist to play in the background, and I was so nervous before she came over that I took a shot. 

This is not normal behavior for friends. If you get giddy and butterflies before you see someone - they ain’t just a friend. I’m here to set you straight. Haha. Even though I’m actually here to encourage your gayness.

You go through your camera roll and edit photos of you both together

Every night I go out, I usually wind up with 50+ photos on my phone (I’m an insane person) and then will lay in bed the next morning editing them and deleting the ones that are trash. 

If I have a crush on a person, I don’t delete any photos that they’re in. If you have more photos of Adrianna on your phone than you do of yourself, take it as a sign. And if you’ve made an album on your phone that features photos of just you and your friend together...then you don’t even need to read the rest of this post. You have it bad. 

You get weirdly jealous of who she hangs out with - even if they’re just friends

Usually if you ask a friend what her plans are for the weekend, and she’s going away on a trip with a friend, you’ll be cool with it. Oh, Nantucket? Awesome. Take pictures! Can’t wait to hear about it!

But if you have a fat, gay crush on your friend and you hear that she’s going away for the weekend with someone - anyone - you will be mad jealous. Oh, Nantucket? Wow, that’s far away. Are you guys…getting a hotel? Same room? Oh, nice. Haha, yeah great way to save money. I’m so happy for you. Have an awesome trip. 

You get mad at her more often than you do with your other friends

This corresponds pretty well with the jealousy aspect above. Because you have romantic feelings for this friend, you’ll find yourself fighting with her or being annoyed with her more often than another friend would. 

If my best friend Bridget is late to dinner, I really don’t mind. But if my female crush of the hour is 10 minutes late? I will fume and get pissy and really make a big deal of it. 

Getting mad at someone you’re crushing on is weird, and doesn’t make sense - but good god does anything about love make sense? It doesn’t. It really doesn’t. 


Now, I get that this blog post might seem super obvious to some people. Um, yes, these are the stages of having a crush. It’s obvious. But for people trying to decipher their sexuality it really isn’t obvious. Coming to terms with the fact that you like someone you’re not “supposed to” takes a lot of time. 

And the mental gymnastics around this are insane. I once slept with a female friend and afterwards we laughed about how doing that really meant that we were “the best of friends” because “what other friends would do that?” 

The obvious answer is: no one. Friends don’t do that. But instead we deemed it as the “ultimate act of friendship” and continued on with daily life. 

The world of sexuality and gayness and bicuriousness (is that a word?) is a confusing one. It takes a lot of introspection and honesty and kindness to yourself to really understand how you feel. 

And the first, and most valuable step is coming to terms with this: you might like your friend as more than a friend. That’s fine! Hell, I highly encourage it. I think the world would be a better place if everyone was pansexual as hell. (But I would still want gender to exist…I think gender is a very cool aspect, but that’s a blog post for another time).

Anyway, moral of this blog post: you might like girls, baby. And that’s great. Welcome to the club. Get a pair of Doc Martens and join us. 

And if you have any other questions on this subject, or are looking for advice, I highly suggest you read Zara Barrie’s blog posts. She’s a self-proclaimed “mascara lesbian” and blogger, and her writing is essentially a religion to me. Check her out here and here

Until the next one,
S