Quiz: Is your boyfriend alpha, or just an asshole?

My best friend Bridget and I love to make jokes about people being alpha.

I don't remember where it first came from, or how it started but we've always cracked jokes about betas and alphas, and categorized the people we meet into one of the two groups. Men, women, fictional characters…really anyone can be subject to this.

(Which, by the way Bridget…Ron from Kim Possible is a beta and Mufasa is an alpha. Let me know your thoughts).

The other day, a friend of mine was lamenting about a guy she was seeing and how he had stopped talking to her regularly, even after she expressed feeling hurt by not hearing from him.

"I guess it's the downside of dating an alpha" she had texted me.

"Yeah, but is he alpha or is he just an asshole?" I texted back.

And then suddenly I was like...well shit, there's a blog post.

It's a general rule that women are drawn to 'the bad guy'. I don't know why, and I even sometimes suffer from this. Is the reason biological, evolutionary, or just some random shit with no science behind it? Google it in different ways and I'm sure you'll get different answers.

As a woman, it makes a bit of sense to me. We don't want to date "nice guys". Mainly because, if you head over to r/niceguys...that's the type of guy who claims to be a "nice guy".


Recently, I've started saying that I don't want to date a "nice guy" but I want to instead date a "good man". Similar, but different.

A "good man" is all the best qualities of a "nice guy" with none of the negative qualities.

A nice guy is insecure, a good man is secure. A nice guy suffers from low self esteem, a good man is confident. A nice guy thinks that women are either sluts or saints, a good man understands that women are multi-faceted. If you turn down a nice guy he'll do a 180 and call you a bitch, but if you turn down a good man, he'll politely accept that, and leave you be. You get the point.

However, a lot of women haven't heard of this theory of mine that I only came up with like 3 months ago. Isn't that bullshit? I guess it makes sense because I really only told it to Bridget and didn't post about it anywhere, but still.

Basically, because women don't know of the "good man" option, they think they can only pick from "nice guys" or "assholes". Also known as...betas or alphas. And after enough bad experiences dating betas/nice guys, there comes a time where finally a woman is like "you know what? Screw it! I'm going to date an alpha. I've had enough of this beta type of guy, so maybe the other type is the one for me."

Now here comes the problem of trying to find out...is this new guy I’m dating an alpha, or is he just an asshole? Did you swing the pendulum too far in one direction, go past ‘alpha’ territory and wind up in ‘douchebag town’? I'm going to help you decipher what your man is like with the following quiz:

How aggressive is your man?

a. Pretty aggressive. If someone stares at me for too long, he's likely to say something or start a fight.

b. Moderately. If someone is rude to me, he'll stand up for me and defend me. But he won't go out of his way to pick a fight.

c. Not at all. If we were mugged, my guy would be the first one to fork over all his cash.

How does your man react to disrespect?

a. Horribly. Anyone who insults him or humiliates him commits probably the worst offense, in his mind.

b. Not great. He's able to poke fun at himself, but when someone is really disrespectful he's not a fan.

c. He doesn't really do much or react in any way when disrespected.

How does your man react to risk?

a. He's basically an adrenaline junkie. He's not prone to wearing his seatbelt, he likes to take risks and do dangerous things.

b. He takes a good amount of calculated risks, but sometimes plays it safe.

c. He is pretty risk adverse, and likes to think through everything he does very carefully.

How does your man respond to your needs in bed?

a. He tells you what you like

b. He asks about what you like

c. He doesn't ask

When you ask your man what he's looking for in a relationship, what is his answer?

a. Very vague and noncommittal. He says that he's looking to "date" but won’t mention you specifically

b. Moderately detailed. He'll mention what he's looking for, and what he thinks your current status together is

c. He'll throw the question back to you, and ask what you're looking for

Which talking/conversation style does your man have when trying to get a point across?

a. Direct and persuasive. He doesn't back down from a point until he's made it.

b. He cuts through the bullshit, says his piece directly and then stops once he's made it.

c. He brings up what bothers him, but sometimes minces words or will stray off topic.

When you bring up something you want/need in the relationship, how does your man react?

a. Minimally. He doesn’t regard your needs/wants as a high priority, or high enough for him to change something.

b. Minimally, and then he quickly changes his actions.

c. He listens intently, apologizes, and does not change his actions.

As you probably could have guessed while taking this, if you wind up with mostly A’s you’ve got yourself an asshole. B’s point to a good man. And C’s are for the betas out there.

Do I know much about alphas and betas and what really make men great? Abso-fucking-not! But I know enough from my experience and experience through my friends to know that if you’re finding mostly A’s or C’s on this quiz, you won’t be the happiest you can be in your current relationship.

So, to all the women out there who have had some bad experiences with a “nice guy”, consider trying to find a “good man” before you look exclusively for an alpha.

And be careful to not fall into the trap of hating all men, as a whole. I know that after discouraging experiences, it can be easy to get in that routine. I’m definitely someone who falls into it myself from time to time. But there really are incredible, strong, generous men out there who will treat you well and be a good partner. Better to vet people carefully and end up with someone great after a long period of time, than settle for people with red flags in a short period of time and be hurt.

Then again, that’s just my opinion. I haven’t felt the touch of a man in a long time. Last night I downloaded Roller Coaster Tycoon and played it for 2 hours. So…take it with a grain of salt.

Anyway, I hope this quiz helps you! And the next time you watch a Disney movie, try thinking to yourself “is this cartoon character alpha???”. It’s pretty fucking fun.