22 Ways To Tell If You're Cute, But Psycho
This past weekend, to put it mildly, some bad decisions were made.
Nearly everyone in Manhattan was out of the city, celebrating the 4th of July at either the Hamptons or Cape Cod, and in my boredom (and maybe a flurry of previously hidden emotions that escaped and surfaced) I got drunk on Sunday night and ended up coming onto a good friend of mine.
And…I got shot down.
It was not the coolest moment I’ve been a part of, but knowing myself, there are also more embarrassing moments in my life ahead. I can just feel it.
The next day at work, feeling more than a bit hungover and ashamed, I was talking to Jenny about what happened.
“I don’t get it,” I said. “Last year he [my friend] tried to kiss me, and I turned him down. And this was before I got a nose job. So if he was interested in me back then, why isn’t he interested in me now?”
“Easy,” Jenny told me, typing away on her laptop, “He found out how crazy you are. That’s what changed in a year.”
I scoffed. “I’m crazy with the people I date!” I insisted. “I was friends with him, he wouldn’t have seen how scary I can get.”
“Well, he must have heard about it,” she said, shooting me a wicked grin. “He knows what’s really going on in there.”
I’ve always balked at the idea that I’m nuts. I’m outrageous sometimes, and sometimes I cross boundaries, but I’m not crazy.
Mainly because I’m friends with people who are much crazier than I am, so whenever someone deems me insane, I can point to a friend of mine who was fired for hitting on the founder of her company, or another friend who pole dances at a strip club for fun, or another friend who is currently in rehab.
I on the other hand, have kept every job I’ve ever had, pay my bills on time, and even own stock, baby! So I self-demote myself from crazy down to “interesting.”
And besides, I’m a Gemini. Being a little nuts (and a lot interesting) is just part of who we are.
(But don’t worry, I’m not crazy enough to truly believe in Astrology).
But then, as the work day continued and a few hours had passed, something happened. I ate a piece of food that made my throat tickle, and my anxious mind told me that thing you ate was a peanut, and now you are going to die.
It wasn’t, and I didn’t - it was just a scratch in my throat.
But for a few brief seconds, when I thought death was upon me, I thought: oh good, because if I die then my friend will feel really bad for rejecting me! Because now I’ll be dead. So that will really show him!
I’m not proud of thinking that. I’m really not. In fact, a few seconds after I thought that, I sat down, on a couch in my office, and just had a moment.
Guys…I think I might actually be crazy. Because that thought is really not normal.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that a lot of these thoughts and habits that I deemed as ‘cute’ and ‘quirky’ were actually a bit more…insane.
So join me! Let’s go down the rabbit hole together and see just how many of these insane things you can check off of your bingo sheet. If you check off more than five, let me know, you can join my Club for Reckless Women. (We have jackets).
Here are some signs that you might be insane, rather than ‘just weird’
You thought you were having an allergic reaction, or coming close to death in a scary moment - and the thought “well, if I die, that will make someone feel bad” went through your mind
You enjoy following people on Find My Friends and open the app to check on people as often as some people open Instagram
You once (or twice) said something so inappropriate at work that your co-worker bluntly came to you and said, “that’s really inappropriate to say at work,” and you promptly started going on a tirade about how the culture we live in today is way too stuffed up and conservative
You won literal awards in college for Biggest Flirt (out of the entire campus) and Freshman Lush (out of the entire freshman class)
You have spent hundreds of dollars on psychics (and you don’t regret it)
You have dated both men and women with the same name
You’ve had fights with your significant other on speaker phone, with your best friend next to you, because you tell them word-for-word everything that goes on in your romantic life, so this just saves time upfront on the whole thing
You insist on finding out the birthdate of every crush you have, so you can find out your romantic compatibility online via birthdates
You have delusions that one day you will meet your celebrity crush, and you’ll totally have a shot
You’ve dramatically tried to run away from home, at least once
You’ve given recreational drugs to your parents or grandparents, insisting that it will ‘help them’
You’ve sold pictures of your feet to someone on the internet before, just for the story of it
You’ve stolen something from The White House
You always tip 25% or more (even when you just order a beer) because you know, you just know that the bartenders and waiters would judge you if you didn’t
You have favorite stalls in your workplace bathroom that are each good in their own unique way for different types of workplace crying
You really related to Taylor Swift’s song, “Blank Space,” and when she said it was a parody, you found yourself relating to it a little bit less
You get personally offended when people don’t enjoy bathroom humor
You earnestly gift sex toys to your friends and then later ask them, in detail, how they’re liking them
You haven’t dated anyone your own age since high school
The majority of your Screenshots Album on your iPhone is filled with you screenshotting text message conversations
You develop deep crushes on anyone who is in a position of authority - whether that be a bartender, or your dentist
You (on a semi-regular basis) post very personal details about your life online, for anyone in the world to see at any given moment
So, are you psycho? I hope at least that we have a few of these in common, and if we don’t - that you don’t report my blog to the authorities and exit out of this window shuddering in horror.
I promise it’s really not all that bad! People like us just have no filter where most people in this world either a) have a filter or b) don’t have the magnitude of stuff that we have.
And if you’re wondering how I handled the awkward rejection from my friend - I’ll have you know that I childishly removed him from Find My Friends, and then promptly went on LinkedIn in a drunken haze, mumbling to my roommate, “I’m going to find his boss and then date his boss”.
So, yeah, warning to my fellow crazies: drinking usually doesn’t help the condition.
At any rate, it made for a blog post! See what I mean?! Horrifically embarrassing situations, at the very least, can always be used to write a blog post.
Sending love to my fellow nuts,