I Used Tinder to find Heroes of Might and Magic 3 Players
I fucking love Heroes of Might and Magic 3.
If you are anything like the majority of men that I’ve spent the past few weeks talking to on Tinder, you might be confused as to what Heroes of Might and Magic 3 is.
Basically, it’s computer game that came out in the early 2000s - a turn-based fantasy strategy game, where you own a castle (with a certain theme and types of creatures) and explore lands while collecting resources, building your castle, building an army, and attacking other players to win.
I grew up on this fucking game. I would play it with my older brother (who played as the Castle) my older sister (who played as Dungeon) and I would play as my favorite castle - The Rampart.
It was a pretty little home base where you could recruit centaurs, unicorns, pegasus and dragons to fight in your army.
And recently, I’ve spent the rainy summer nights in Manhattan in my apartment, by the air conditioning, ordering in food and playing Heroes of Might and Magic. I have no regrets. None.
After enough nights of doing this, I thought to myself…how many other people are out there playing this game from the early 2000s? Is it just me? Are there a few stragglers out there with the same Saturday night habits?
So I decided to set up a Tinder account, purely for Heroes of Might and Magic 3. I would put it out there that I played, and see if anyone else was interested in the game.
I created my profile.
I also included some other photos of myself, so people would know I was serious.
But I didn’t want people to think I was on here to fuck around, so photos such as me eating breakfast with a Corona, or posing with the Washington Monument as my penis, were ones that I featured.
And we were off!
By the time I had finalized my profile, I had 63+ matches. I asked my roommate in bewilderment if something was wrong. By the time I checked again, I had 99+.
So it’s safe to say that no one was really reading my profile, and instead massively swiping right on everyone they saw.
And finally…it began! I started conversations with a few of the people that I matched with. I was excited, I was enthusiastic, I was ready to talk about battle strategies and nostalgic computer games from childhood, and see what other like-minded individuals were out there!
I clicked into my first message:
I have to admit, that one made me laugh.
But my spirits were not dampened! I hardened my shell and continued on with my search. As I trudged through conversations and blatantly asked people - who clearly hadn’t read my profile - about Heroes of Might and Magic, I realized that not that many people knew what this game was.
It seemed like my Tinder matches weren’t interested in Heroes of Might and Magic 3 at all! Which made no sense to me, because it’s a classic game that has stood the test of time for nearly 20 years!
I decided to try and entice my Tinder matches to learn about the game by dangling the promise of false sex in front of them.
Finally, after long hours of typing and swiping…I found some love in a hopeless place.
I started meeting people who play Heroes of Might and Magic 3!
I was ecstatic! I was amazed! I finally found the dozens of people I had been searching for. I talked battle strategies with that guy for a while, and then met a guy who even knew the specific names of the Heroes of Might and Magic Creatures.
If you’re confused about the hairy creature references…check out the below images of Gnoll Marauders and a Centaur Captain.
My happiness could only last for so long, though.
I had met a few guys who played, but the influx of horny Tinder matches were vastly greater. After ignoring all of them for a couple of days, I decided to bite, and see what they wanted to say.
I had matched with a guy called “Good Girl” who told me the following story of his experiences.
I tried to out-sex him, but it didn’t work. This man could not be stopped.
So I decided to turn back to the mission at hand, and spent the next few days chatting with guys on Tinder about Heroes of Might and Magic, and sometimes just shooting the shit about random other topics.
I was surprised to find all of it really fun. The last time I used Tinder was I think in college, right when the app came out, and the idea of ‘meeting strangers off the internet’ was still relatively unheard of. Uber had just come onto the scene, if that gives you an idea of the time period.
Since then, Tinder had gathered a reputation of basically being Grindr for straight people - a place to go looking for sex, and basically…get sex.
But the guys who played Heroes of Might and Magic were actually surprising me. We talked about some interesting stuff, and after enough talking, some of the guys asked me out.
If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you’ll know why I couldn’t say yes. We are still in Mercury Retrograde. I can’t meet anyone new or start anything new until August 1st.
So, I lied and said I was on vacation until then, and suggested that we talk after. Will I meet up with anyone? Will we play Heroes of Might and Magic? Will I meet the guy who claimed to be a Hero of Vagina?
I suppose we’ll find out after August 1st.
Until then, I’m going to stay firmly planted by my A/C unit, and start another game! I’m thinking I play as Dungeon…and level up my heroes to advance in the field of magic. God, I can’t wait.
Until the next one,