The Sweaty Girl's Guide to Excessive Sweating in Summer
To quote my favorite philosopher, “sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought”.
I have no idea what that lyric actually means, but when it comes to the art (yes, art) of sweating, I am a dripping Picasso. I sweat from every body part. I’ve researched armpit botox more times than I would ever admit to someone.
I also interrogate both my mother and father about this condition yearly. We’ll be sitting on a patio or balcony, enjoying happy hour, when I’ll start to notice the heat and turn on them with accusations.
“Who is responsible for this? Who gave me the sweat gene? Which side of the family was it?”
And my parents will look at each other over a glass of Pinot Grigio and shrug.
“I don’t know, Shannon. We don’t really sweat that much.”
A dead end lead. An embarrassing truth. I am the wet, sweaty black sheep of the family. My troubles are mine alone.
If I couldn’t find someone responsible, I would instead find someone to commiserate with, and my prayers were answered when I met Clara, my co-worker (and friend).
I had mentioned casually at work one day that my feet were sweating, and that I was looking into Gold Bond Powder to stop this. She let me know that she had actually already tried using it for herself, and that was when I knew I had met my sweaty soul mate. My partner in perspiration. Two peas in a sweat pond. My gal that also gushes. You get the drift…I’ll stop being gross.
So last night when Clara and I went on an impromptu bar crawl in the East Village, and remarked on how our legs were sticking to the bar stools we sat in, I looked her in the eye and asked her the question every sweaty girl is terrified to answer.
“It’s only June. How are we going to survive sweating in New York this summer?”
We ordered a glass of white, a glass of Rose, and got down to brainstorming. I present…
Your Guide to Excessive Sweating in a Manhattan Summer
Wipes, baby. Wipes.
“I carry pocket tissues with me,” I confessed to Clara.
“Moist towelettes,” she suggested, pointing at my phone where I was jotting down notes. “I use moist towelettes”
Let me say it here, and say it clear: there’s no shame in wiping away your sweat.
Ha! I’m just kidding, of course there fucking is. So that’s why you’re going to want to carry travel size solutions with you. Pocket Kleenex. Burt’s bees cucumber refreshing wipes. If anyone asks why these are in your purse, you have allergies for the Kleenex, and you’re a germaphobe who likes to use refreshing wipes after ‘a trip to the loo’.
See? Now you’re no longer a sweaty beast, but a sweet girl who sneezes and likes to have clean hands. Also you just said ‘loo’ so now you’re British, too.
Carry an Iced Coffee with you
You know how people say that you can trap heat through your head and your feet? Advice to people who want to stay warm in the winter is to wear a hat, and double up on socks. I suppose my advice here could be to get a haircut and always wear sandals, but instead I say…
Walk softly and carry a big drip…drip coffee, that is. Iced coffee. (I tried to make it rhyme so it would be memorable, okay?)
Your accessory to a dry summer is going to be iced coffee. Always be carrying one. And also, if you’re sensitive to caffeine, make it a decaf. Everyone looks cool holding coffee - it’s the socially acceptable form of smoking a cigarette in 2019 - and the ice and condensation from the drink will chill you from the hands in.
Wear less clothes
Have you considered a slutty aesthetic to help you cool down? Just try wearing less. Trade in your jeans for shorts, your skirts for short skirts, and I mean if you want to go naked around town, I know this bisexual blogger certainly wouldn’t put up a fight about it. Show us what you got!
If you have to wear clothes…wear linen and 100% cotton
Breathable fabrics, baby!! And yes, linen does wrinkle easily, but I have a solution for you. Just pop underground into your nearest subway entrance, and the humidity there can help you steam out the wrinkles. Sometimes you have to steer into the skid, you know? Use the heat against itself.
No light grey, ever
Are you insane? Strike the word “grey” from your vocabulary this instance. Light grey is the easiest color to see sweat stains in. Throw out all grey clothing and refuse to wear any more. If your office gives you a grey t-shirt that you have to wear, make a big passionate speech about how you watched a recent Ted Talk that invigorated you to live your life in color, and you’re boycotting grey entirely. Don’t tell them the real reason. For the love of god, don’t tell them.
Be a freezer browser
In between, for example, Your Apartment and First Date Location…you’ll need to cool off. So plan your walk accordingly, with grocery stores and pharmacies in between Point A and Point B. Whenever you get hot, wander in, and check out that freezer section with your arms fully above your head, chilling your pits. If someone comes by tell them “I’m just browsing” and continue to do this for the next 5 minutes, or however long until you leave. If you’re super ashamed, buy a small ice cream cone before leaving.
Other places you should stand where you know it will have cold and have proper AC: anywhere that sells cheese.
Also, check out the morgue! They have to keep dead bodies refrigerated…why not let the living take advantage of that cool temperature, right?
A guy recently asked me to take a “favorite summer walk of his” with him. It was 85 degrees. I cancelled. I can’t walk outside above 80. I simply can’t.
He might have found it Very Curious that I cancelled a great date for no particular reason, but my dryness comes before any man.
Become a cinematic fanatic during the summer months. Movie theaters are notorious for blasting AC, so take your date to a variety of different blockbuster hits. Normally I would advise that you bring a light jacket with you…but for these months, I won’t.
I now want to cover another incredibly important topic, that could really be a blog post of its own.
My friend has a “shoes off” apartment. How do I hide my sweaty footprints in their apartment after I take off my shoes?
My dear, sweaty friend….you have come to the right place.
Clara and I talked about this extensively. Sweaty feet are probably our biggest culprit when it comes to summer perspiration. Here are some things that might help:
Head to the bathroom and stand on the shower mat. Dry your feet off on the material!
Does their apartment building have carpeted hallways before you get to their door? Pat your feet down before you even knock!
Carry socks with you and put them on for occasions like this.
Just leave your shoes on! Offend them. You might lose a friend, but you won’t lose your dignity.
I sincerely hope, from the top of my head, to the bottom of my glistening feet, that these tips will help you in the coming summer months. When in doubt, corner a workplace colleague and incessantly complain to them about your sweating until they confess they have a shared problem.
And a massive thank you to my lovely friend Clara who helped me brainstorm this list. And drink my way through the East Village this past Friday.
Cheers (and refreshing wet wipes),