Infatuation Made Me Date my Pet Peeves
It’s officially Mercury Retrograde, and baby it’s about to be a big one. It’s lasting until August 1st, it’s in Leo - and one of the signs most affected by this one is Gemini - aka me.
So I spent yesterday inside, battering down the hatches, and just doing some thinking. And with all that time to think, I realized something.
I think I date my pet peeves.
This is a new thought, so I’m going to get it out while it’s in my head, and see if I can make any sense of it.
I once dated a girl who was a narcissist (and this is coming from someone who has a blog).
I once dated a guy who took himself too seriously - which is probably my number one pet peeve.
I once dated a guy who was incredibly insecure. And being insecure is fine, so long as you don’t take it out on anyone - but that’s the thing, when you’re insecure you usually do let it rub off on people.
And before I dated these people, I innately knew that I didn’t like these qualities. But I got involved with them in a swirl of infatuation and love chemicals and the excitement of a new relationship beginning. It’s similar to one of my favorite Bojack Horseman quotes:
A lot of people joke (or maybe it’s actual advice, I’m not sure) that before you make any major decision, you should jerk off. Clear your mind. Make sure you’re thinking properly.
But when you’re beginning a new relationship, titillated with the idea of someone new in your life, you can fall prey to pedestals.
Don’t put your crush on a pedestal. It will end badly. Trust me, I know.
I basically live on a pedestal. I build them every day. I pass a man on the street walking his dog, I think aw, cute dog. And wow, cute man. Imagine us taking the dog up to Cape Cod. Lobster rolls and throwing the ball around in a backyard. We have a wee little son one day! He tries to ride the dog! Oh my god he does ride the dog how cute would that be? It’s a great pick for our Christmas card!
Honestly, my insanity really knows no bounds.
And before I’ve even said one word to this guy, I picture him as a great dog owner, who likes seafood and summer vacations, and is an adventurous father with a passion for photography. He’s probably a Rover dog walker. Maybe he goes home and beats the dog. Honestly, the odds of that being true are the same as the fantasy I’ve concocted in my mind.
And I do this with people I date, too.
My ex girlfriend showed signs of self-obsession but at the time, I was honestly obsessed with her too, so I thought it made sense that she just had ‘lots of self-confidence’
The guy who took himself too seriously was great at witty banter, so I thought the ostentatious conversation was instead great verbal sparring.
The insecure boyfriend would ask for me to go out less, and cover up when I did go out, and I thought that he was just a sweet guy who was looking out for me and wanted to spend more time together.
I had a crush! A total love boner, and it clouded my judgement. If my new partner did something minor that I liked, I chalked it up to soul mate status. And if they did something major that I didn’t like, I wrote it off as a misunderstanding, or something that would naturally get better over time.
Honestly it’s enough to make you never fault anyone for anything they did under the pretense of love and infatuation. It’s a very powerful persuasion.
But sooner or later, realization sets in. Fuck. This person has quite a few characteristics that I don’t like.
And it’s too much for you to ask them to change. You can ask someone to move their arm because it’s on your hair. You can ask someone for an apology if they’re unaware that they hurt your feelings. But you can’t ask someone to change major things about them - who they are, at their core.
And realizing that you have to break up with them is even worse. How do you have the conversation?
Hey, babe, we need to talk. You know all of those things about you that I used to love? Well, my infatuation has worn off and I think I’m realizing that all of those things are a deal-breaker. And yes, I know the nature of a deal-breaker is that it breaks the deal right away…but I was pretty horny and had a big crush on you so I didn’t really realize it was a deal-breaker until now. But it is. So….sorry.
Yeah, that’s not great, is it?
The only way to really break this cycle is to recognize their deal-breaker flaws and pet peeves before you get involved with them. And I know you might be thinking easier said than done, but there is a way to break out of this cycle.
You have to be judged by a jury of your peers. I’m being serious.
You know who isn’t wrapped up in sexual desire and infatuation over your new boyfriend? Your friends. Unless you and your friends have interest in the exact same types of people - odds are that your friends will meet your potential suitors and be able to rationally give you their opinion of them.
And we all know how often this happens. We drag a new partner to meet our friends and then immediately grill them afterwards on what they thought.
“He’s great!” They’ll say, at brunch the next day. “I mean he seems a little bit hung up on his ex, is he?”
And you’ll take a sip of your mimosa and say, “oh yeah, but I mean she really was crazy, you should hear the story of how they broke up,” because you’re blind, and thinking of his body, and way too close to the topic to be unbiased.
Oh, but your friends noticed. They certainly did.
And 4 months later, when Dave ghosts you and then you see via Instagram that he’s back together with Susie or whatever you’re going to be like damn, I should have listened.
My best friend Bridget is aces at this. She knew my girlfriend was more in love with herself than she was in love with me. She knew that this serious and intellectual guy would soon start driving me up the wall. She could tell that Mr. Insecurity was insecure from the first time I mentioned him.
I should stop seeing so many New York psychics and instead just start paying Bridget. Maybe she can offer her services to you, too!
At any rate, take away from this blog post a simple lesson: humans can’t be trusted when they’re horny. Or in love. Either or, honestly.
So when your friends bring up something that’s a red flag, or a bit of a soft warning, don’t ignore them. They’re only saying this because they want the best for you - and they’re sober, while you’re completely faced off of a cocktail of hormones and desire.
Build your jury of respectable peers. Listen to them. They’ll know if you’re going down the right path or not.
And I promise to vet all future partners through Bridget! She has a success rate of 100%.
Until the next one,