7 Ways to Handle Your Exes Reading Your Blog
Ladies, am I right? We’ve all had this happen to us. I’m writing about this topic today because about 212 readers have written in to me and confessed, Shannon, I just don’t know what to do. I have a very small blog on the internet, and my ex boyfriends keep refreshing the page, looking for and clicking on pieces of content that might have something to do with them.
It happens! It’s one of those relatable topics like having a crush, or honestly, brushing your teeth.
I know that Buzzfeed and EliteDaily have already covered this topic extensively, but I want to throw my hat into the blogosphere ring and contribute some tips of my own.
1. Pretend you’re Serena Van Der Woodsen
Remember how Nate and Dan would always check up on Serena via Gossip Girl’s tracker page? Now that your exes are reading your blog, you’re basically the same exact person as Serena. Embody her. By that I mean, hook up with a guy that you put in prison, embarrass your mom at a social event, and do cocaine in couture!
Also find a girl, any girl, with brown hair and clear skin and make her your bestie. There’s no Serena without Blair, so you need to find one, quick!
2. Find their blog
I have a knack for finding people’s blogs because when I’m not embodying knock-off Serena, I embody Dan Humphrey. I am a creep.
Google, advanced search. Site: “tumblr.com” or “blogspot.com” or “wordpress.com”. Search for exact phrases that would include people in their life, and throw in a city of where they live.
Example search: “site:tumblr.com” “roxanne and ace” “new york city”
You’ll find it. Unless your friends have very popular names like “Katie” and “John” then it’s a harder task. So go out there and make friends with people who have cooler, unique names.
3. Hit them with a virus
Write a click-baity article headlined “The Ex Boyfriend That Meant The Most To Me” and pair it with a thumbnail of some stock photo guy that’s a dead ringer for your ex.
Inside the article, link out to some sort of Trojan Horse virus that will get inside his computer. Granted, your readers will now have this virus as well, so if you go for this move, know that you’ll lose your readers.
But hey, now your ex has a virus! Actually, two! You probably gave him HPV - everyone has it now.
4. Trigger them
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Honestly, you can get as creative with this as you like. People think that YouTube and Reddit are the only places to troll people, dead wrong, my friend! Troll as often as you like.
Your readers will be confused. It’s a risk you have to be willing to take.
5. Post inconsequential articles about hair care, makeup, and dogs on instagram
Also when in doubt, post about your period. Nothing will make a man click off your page faster than seeing anything having to deal with the menstrual cycle.
Maybe just complain about your day? It used to make your ex roll his eyes and leave the room when you were together…so maybe it will have the same effect virtually!
6. Make your blog a shrine to your ex
Remember Helga, from Hey Arnold who was damn into Arnold and had that shrine of him in her closet?
Turn your blog into an internet shrine - because that shit lasts forever, so it’s more powerful than Helga’s piece of shit closet shrine!
Your ex will be so freaked out that instead of refreshing your blog hourly, he will be the one praying that you stop thinking about him. In fact he might even get a restraining order. A girl could only be so lucky!
7. Monitor your analytics page and be unsure about what to do for weeks, until you write a sarcastic blog about the whole situation
I’ve never actually done this tip myself, so I can’t vouch for it!!!! But I read this advice on The New York Times (because once again, everyone has this problem) and wanted to include it in my blog.
NYT - don’t come after me. I’m just a small time blogger and I’m sorry I stole a bit of your content.
So there you have it! Some foolproof, wonderful ways to solve a very common problem.
I wish you all the best in your experiences with your ex. When in doubt, channel Serena van der Woodsen and run away to a mysterious boarding school, because that will definitely help.