Stop Using These Basic Instagram Captions

I first want to apologize, because why on earth am I the bitchiest person alive? I don’t know! I simply don’t!

I’ve tried to do the whole Positive Outlook thing. Mindfulness, daily meditation, gratitude lists - you name it. But I keep circling back to being a bitchy, gossipy Gemini and I think at this point I just have to take it for what it is.

But nevertheless, here’s what I’m getting pissy about today.

Basic people on Social Media. I’ve talked about quirky girls on Instagram before, but today I’m going to grab the low-hanging Acai bowl and strike where the population is largest - basic users of Instagram.

Here are 11 basic Instagram captions that make me want to jump off a cliff (and have someone take a boomerang of the cliff jumping shot for my Instagram story).

1. You keep calling your boyfriend ‘weirdo’

You posted a picture of you and your boyfriend on your anniversary and you captioned it: 3 years with this weirdo!

Or Four years with this doofus!

6 months with my silly bean!

Are you dating Scooby Doo? I mean your boyfriend is a human man, can we please knock it off? Stop calling him a weirdo. I would rather you brag about his penis size than use this weird cuddly name that somewhat emasculates him. Bleh! Over it!


2. You refer to your “work husband”…or your “work wives”

Do you work for a polygamist company? Oh, you don’t? You work at Facebook? Well then please stop referring to your co-workers as your marital life partners. Many thanks!


3. Came for (something), stayed for (booze)

I see this one everywhere.

Came for Jessica’s graduation, stayed for tequila shots.

Came for the gender reveal party, stayed for the 13 Irish Carbombs.

Haha okay maybe I don’t see the specific above one exactly, but you catch my drift.

The only acceptable way this could be used is years ago when someone I know used it in regards to Black Swan.

Black Swan: Come for the lesbian sex scene, stay because you’re too scared to leave.


4. I woke up like this

You certainly didn’t. Did the same mist that delivers dew drops on grass come by in the wee hours of the morning and do the same to you?

No. You put on highlighter. I see your makeup brush in the background of this photo. And then you took a bunch of selfies in the kitchen like you just rolled out of bed when you didn’t.

5. “I got it from my mama!” while you’re posing with your mom

Well I know that the Will.I.Am song is talking about how you got your hot body from your mom’s genetics. Are you talking about the same thing here? In this Instagram post on your mom’s birthday? Just seems a bit weird.

6. Posting photos of you with your parents for Mother’s/Father’s Day…but your parents aren’t on social media

Who is this post for? Really think about it.

7. Feeling cute, might delete later

Thankfully, I get the feeling that most people use this caption ironically, and will post a gross photo of themselves with this caption. In that case - the caption works. FluentlyForward approved. But when you post a photo of yourself looking hot with the same caption, it just doesn’t come off well. This is a PSA.


8. Take me back!!!

I can’t take you back. I’m broke. If you want to go back to your wonderful vacation from 3 years ago at The Four Seasons then book the flight. (Yes, I’m bitter about these posts because they make me really jealous).


9. “About last night…”

What about it? Tell me. I don’t want to play detective with your Instagram photo. Is the entire thesis of this caption meant to just cause FOMO in other people?

Take a page out of Katy Perry’s book and describe exactly what happened last night, in detail.


10. Low quality pic but high quality friends!

I would love to see “low quality pic and horribly, shitty friends” hahaha. Am I the only one who thinks that would be funny?


11. Sunday Funday

This just…no words. You know why I’m mad about this.


Phew, what a load off.

And if you’ve ever used these captions before - don’t take it hard. I definitely have too. We all fall prey to the caption carousel on Social Media. Just circling around on this Instagram ride, up and down and up and

good lord I have no idea how to end this post. I’m just trying to get one out today. I give up on an ending! This is as good as it gets today!

See ya,