Men believe women physically peak at 20, and I am GUTTED!

I’m trying to do a new thing where I look at everything in a positive light, and that, in turn, makes me a more mentally healthy person. So trust me when I say that I really struggled for a good 6 minutes to craft the title of this blog post.

Before, it varied from options like:

I am massively depressed because men think women peak at age 20

I cried at a fancy restaurant on my 26th birthday because I’m 8 years past my prime, according to neckbeards on Reddit

I now believe that I have wrinkly fingers and I’m obsessed with aging even though I’m not a Hollywood starlet or anything of the kind

And then I realized that I had taken a “meh” situation and turned it into an “oh god why is everything horrible” one. Turning a molehill into a saggy, aging mountain.

Worst part is, I still don’t have a positive-sounding title. But it is what it is.

I used to think that people worried about aging when they were 29, and turning 30. Or when they were 39, and turning 40. Remember when being “over the hill” used to mean crossing 40? Somehow we all brought it down by 10 years and mutually agreed that turning 30 (for women, at least) is when life itself stops.

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Or at least, her sex appeal to men. Which seems to sometimes be the most value that a man finds in a woman. So, the most valuable and appealing part of a woman (to men) disappears at age 30.

But wait, it gets worse! An OkCupid study shows that women actually peak well below 30.

Men's Favorite Ages Are 20, 21, 22, and 23: A Data Dive by the Co-Founder of OKCupid

This article literally made me ugly cry.

And yes, I’m dramatic and vain and self-absorbed (I mean honestly who isn’t these days) but for some reason instead of feeling the same anger and disgust that the comments display below that article…I feel sad.

Most commenters there seem to be disgusted in men, or think that their perversion for a specifically young age is wrong. Whether it’s ‘wrong’ or ‘right’…it’s there, which is the thing that makes me upset.

I guess all of this is a lesson in how much I value men’s desire for me, right?

Because that’s the only thing that changes after 23 (apparently). It’s not like the colors in life become more grey at 25, or 27, or god forbid the decrepit age of 34. I’m still able to taste food and feel soft items and smell the nearby roses, but my ability to cultivate boners is somehow lost while everything else I can do in the world is retained.

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It just doesn’t seem fair and I think what makes it worse is that it adds to the laundry list of female unfairness. I have to get my period? Every month? I need to be careful of walking alone at night? My drink is more likely to be spiked? My clothes cost more and I need to spend more money on maintenance and you can’t have any side effects from HPV but it gives me cancer?

Oh…and I passed my peak attractive level 3 years ago. Oh. I can’t ever get that back.

The things that women generally find attractive in men (money, humor and power) can all be learned and cultivated at any age. In fact, it’s generally agreed upon that men grow more attractive with age.

(Just look at any Hollywood casting ever).

But I think what really bums me out about this is the sense of urgency. It’s not just male desire and hard ons that I’m sad about missing - it’s the chance to really build a good life for myself.

Now is when I start to get really dramatic (as if I haven’t been dramatic for this entire blog post).

It’s just the big classic gay scenario of getting married and settling down and having kids and spending your life raising them and if you don’t hurry up and lock a man down while you’re still attractive so you can live out this life - then you have lost, bitch! Better luck next time! You better start believing in reincarnation you floozy ho because you have lost. You don’t get a second chance!

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And I’m out here like woah I don’t know if I want to be married, or have kids, and I would really like to meditate on that idea and see what I truly feel about it but meanwhile the clock is ticking and my forehead wrinkles are becoming semi-permanent and new girls every year are turning the desired ages of 20, 21 and 22 and I’m like jesus christ I gotta lock someone down with my tight body before it starts to sag and my chance at happiness in life is gone forever! FUCKING FOREVER!

I mean, I told you I would be dramatic. I wasn’t kidding when I said in the intro that I recently burst into sobs in a fancy sushi restaurant on my 26th birthday. I literally think these things!

Also stress is bad for the skin and body so I’m like jesus christ Shannon would you chill the fuck out so you can try to stay youthful and desirable to these men who participated in an OKCupid poll?!

Honestly I might have to book a cool little therapy appointment and talk this out.

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Well, I started this blog post with the intention to figure things out and calm my mind, but as I sit here sweating and typing and googling ways that I can boost my collagen for skin cell turnover I’m like…I’ve worked myself into a frenzy. I don’t feel better at all!

So I’m going to instead ask you for advice. What can I do? Am I crazy for thinking this, or is it true and I just happened to recently swallow the red pill? (Though at the rate I’m geeking about this, chances are the red pill was a suppository and I just shoved 19 of them up my butt and they absorbed into my blood stream rapidly). Let me know here. I would appreciate anything you have to say - but know that if you tell me that 26 is old and past my prime, you will be responsible for me ugly crying.

Maybe ugly crying boosts collagen. One can only hope.

Trying not to freak,
S