How to Handle Online Bullying (Witty Comeback Examples, Advice and More)
So, some bitch is cranking your last nerve? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Internet bullying is on the rise, and with internet anonymity at many people’s fingertips, people have moved from ‘mean’ to ‘downright ruthless’ online. It’s pretty fucking scary.
But that doesn’t mean you just need to take it! Oh, no. Here at FluentlyForward we like to use our words to get things across, so I’m going to provide you with some techniques and comebacks to annihilate your bully in a way where you won’t have any blame placed on you.
So let’s get into it! First, we’re going to start with advice.
The best, most effective advice I could give to you is act like you don’t give a shit. You do. Obviously. We all do! And know that this is okay and natural. It’s human nature to have pride, to have feelings hurts - and anyone who acts like they don’t give a shit is doing just that - acting.
But let’s teach you how to act well, because if you act very well that you don’t give a shit - people will be tre impressed, and leave you the hell alone.
1. “That’s my name, don’t wear it out”
My sister has always been the queen of comebacks. Back when I was having girl fights in middle school, I used to call my frenemies over the phone to hash it out. I would have the phone on speaker, and my sister would be next to me on the computer, typing shit I could respond with in real time, so I could come out on top. She saw through bullshit, and came up with rebuttals at the drop of a hat. She has a very successful future as a lawyer if she ever wants it.
Once I was bugging her while around the house, and called her something like “oh hey, it’s the stinky fart brain” as I walked by her. Without missing a beat she said, “that’s my name! Don’t wear it out” and kept walking past me.
I was floored. I hadn’t expected that. It was effective as fuck.
Not only did she take my insult, but she took it happily, and almost with pride. She also had the edge of “I don’t really give a shit” in her comeback, which is always a beautiful thing.
To see another example of this, I turn to Rihanna, Queen of the Comebacks:
2. “That’s my name don’t wear it out” + I’ll prove to you that I don’t give a shit
This is a wonderful technique. It’s a play off of the technique above, where you proudly and graciously accept the insult you’ve been given, and then add another on top of the pile.
If the above technique is steering into the skid - this technique is driving yourself off a cliff while laughing and flipping the bird.
“Wow Shannon, your hair looked pretty bad at prom”
”I know, it did! My face also forgot to show up. And I smelled like ass. What a magical night, it’s the most important night of our lives forever. I had such a blast.”
“Shannon is such a prude, she doesn’t know how to do anything with boys”
”I actually don’t know how to do anything with anyone at all. I’ve been trying to crack the code of breathing oxygen but it just seems a bit too advanced for me. Maybe I’ll learn how to jerk boys off after I die from a lack of air in my lungs! One can only hope!”
Just accept whatever people throw at you and then add something insane to the mix. It takes some balls to pull this one off, but when it’s done right it’s so beautiful I could cry. It’s incredibly aggressive and powerful, but the other person can’t bitch about it and play victim because they started it. Woo!
3. State your interest level
Someone tweeted at you saying that you’re a hack? Retweet it and say, “Interested to see how this develops! I will be following this story closely!”
Or, take the negative, like our Queen Rihanna did below:
4. Question their obsession
We all know that bullies, at the root of it, are some insecure little bitches. They love to feed off of insecurities, and chances are that if they’re targeting you an aggressive amount - you have something that they want.
Maybe it’s looks, brains, personality - who knows! (If you’re reading my blog you definitely have all three - but I’m a bit biased.)
At any rate, inquire about their curiosity for you. No need to be nice about it. A la our Queen below:
Now, I’m not one to be a Guidance Counselor. Sometimes you need to fight fire with fire.
Being Owen Wilson - a chill, confident man who has negativity repel off of him - is hard. It takes a strong backbone and a lot of self-confidence.
It also takes patience, and I understand more than anyone how horribly good it feels to sometimes make a rash impulse decision. So let me provide you with some great comebacks to use when you just want to whip one out and fling it at your bully.
Examples of great witty comebacks
I’m not a proctologist but I definitely know an asshole when I see one
I hope one day you choke on the shit you talk
You have the rest of your life to be a douche, why not take today off?
Did you recently snort a laxative? There’s a lot of shit coming out of your mouth
Acting like a dick won’t enhance the size of yours. You know that, right?
I really want to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass!
Cool story! In what chapter do you shut the fuck up?
The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait
I’d give you a nasty look, but you already have one
I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission
I can’t help it…that felt really horribly great to write, haha.
So, do you have any comebacks of your own to share, or advice for dealing with internet bullies?
If so, share it here!
And keep your head up! If it’s any consolation, a meteor could wipe us out at any time and then you won’t have to worry about bullying at all!