26 Guys I'll Always Swipe Left On
Back in San Francisco, my hypochondriac friend Rebecca used to always say that she had tendinitis.
“I’m swiping left too much, Shannon,” she would tell me over drinks, “Seriously, my fingers are starting to hurt.”
I’ve written a blog post before on girls I swipe left on, but when it comes to the male dating pool, there are a lot more things being done wrong at a much higher level. That blog post focused on 9 types of girls, so today we’re going to focus on 26 types of guys, and why they need to knock it the fuck off and why I’m swiping left as fast as humanly possible, tendons be damned.
1. You’re holding a fish
I can’t handle this. I truly, honestly can’t. You fish, for fun?
I think it’s weird that you enjoy sitting down for an hour and waiting for something to happen. That fact in itself doesn’t bode great for our sex life.
Also holding up fish is just…I just…I can’t. And I’m not being weird about this (although usually that’s the case) because most girls out here all hate this and yet it continues to happen.
2. You listed a type of alcohol in your bio
Excuse me sir, but what the fuck?
I love a good, dry glass of white wine much more than the average Joe, but not enough to list it in my bio! I’ll see guys out here saying “Atlanta born. Gin, whisky, football.”
You listed liquor as a…what? Hobby? Interest? Lifestyle? I have no idea but either way it gets the swipe from me, see ya!
3. You just listed places you’ve lived…
Your bio reads “NJ -> FL -> NYC” and that’s it. Literally that’s all they wrote. Okay. You’ve lived in 3 places. Now tell me something that I couldn’t find on your LinkedIn profile or your American Airlines account.
I’ve lived in 8 countries and states and even I’m sick of this. Living somewhere is not a personality trait!
4. You’re a Traveller. Runner. Brother. Friend.
I truly don’t understand descriptions like this either. Are these things that you do? Are you writing your bio as if it’s a tweet with character limits? Why not say, “I’ve travelled to 7 countries and looking to explore South America next! Ran cross country in high school and love to keep at it. I have a fantastic brother I’m very close to, and love to spend a weekend hanging out with friends and checking out local festivals.”
Just add a little bit of spice to it - you’re more than a few nouns, you know?
5. You made a personality demand in your bio
“No drama seekers”.
Drama seekers are annoying. You know who is even more annoying? People who say “no drama seekers”. Makes me think you’re a drama seeker. SWIPE!
6. You’re posing with a sedated animal
It is 20-goddamn-19 and I am still seeing this everywhere! No, I don’t think you posing with a tiger who looks like he took 13 quaaludes up the butt is a good look. You think it’s cool to take advantage of unconscious beings and it doesn’t matter if it’s a girl at a bar or a tiger in a cage either way I think it’s horrible and left we go!
7. Your Myers Briggs type has an “S” in it
I personally love it when people their Myers Briggs personality type in their profile because I love Myers Briggs and am always on the lookout for a fellow “N” type. But that means if you’re an “S” type I know we won’t get along so great so it makes that SWIPE a lot EASIER.
8. You mentioned your religion, political party, or horoscope in your bio
Look, if it’s in there as part of the automatic options where you put in location, height, etc, I don’t mind! But if you mention this in your bio, it sends a message to me that you care about it a lot. Like, it’s a big part of your life.
This isn’t something men need to knock off because if you do care a lot about any of those above topics - great! I just know that we probably won’t get on well since I’m moderate about all of that stuff, so to the left we go.
9. You live in Hoboken, Jersey City, or Brooklyn
I need someone who lives in Manhattan otherwise it just feels like a long distance relationship and yes I know that Brooklyn is actually very close and people who live in Hoboken are in the city all the time but whatever I never said this was a reasonable blog post! It’s a post about my odd reasons for swiping left.
10. You have a name my parents won’t be able to pronounce
It’s taken five years for my mom to get close to saying “Chipotle” correctly and I don’t know if I can stand them mispronouncing your name for the next eight months or a lifetime.
11. You posted a photo holding a baby, and then said “Don’t freak out - it’s my nephew”
We literally haven’t even met yet and you’re already assuming that I’m going to freak out over tiny things. Also, you holding a baby is not even close to having the characteristics and qualities of a good father so I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing with that photo.
12. You mentioned sleeping as a hobby
You answered the question of what a perfect weekend is to you by saying that you would spend it sleeping. This is unacceptable. Next!
13. You say you’re willing to lie about how we met ;)
You’re on a dating app, bucko! I don’t like that you’re already talking about how comfortable you are with lying (though that might be due to personal issues I have) but I mostly don’t like how this makes you seem insecure.
14. Your company is listed as “Evil Bank” or “Soulless Company”
Are you a supervillain? Unless you’re literally Dr. Evil I don’t want to see this! You chose your job, didn’t you? I just…I can’t with this.
15. You don’t have a bio
Honestly why do people not write a bio? Are you looking to attract a shallow mate who only swiped right because of your physical appearance? I just don’t understand it and it puts a bad taste in my mouth and an urge to swipe left in my finger.
16. You infer something about your penis
6 ft…and 9 inches…if you know what I mean ;)
I know what you mean. I don’t like it. SWIPE!
17. You answered the question “Mountains or Beach?” with “both”
Try harder to be more boring, could you? Honestly I would rather the guy with no bio over this guy.
18. You have the same name as one of my exes
Sorry, it’s a personal thing! I just can’t put myself through that again! Left.
19. You have a gym selfie photo
Come on, people, really? I would rather see a self-timer situation than a mirror shot or selfie of you at the gym.
20. You say, “am probably better than you at ______”
Is this a way to try and neg girls? We are here to date and flirt not compete with each other in the battledome so I don’t understand why you put this in your bio it gets the left from me.
21. You’re wearing sunglasses in all of your photos
My friend Rebecca (previously mentioned) once went on a date with a guy who had only sunglass photos and he had a glass eye which is totally fine, but I would feel personally deceived because he was hiding that he had a glass eye. So when I see sunglass photos I think you might have a glass eye.
22. Your first photo is a shirtless photo
I know that men and women have different levels of how nude they can be…but if it’s from the waist up you truly look naked and I just swipe left frantically out of both habit and also growing up Irish Catholic.
23. It’s just you posing with a car. Inside of or in front of it.
I get it. Guys like cars. But I think you should know your audience? If my first photo was me posing with my shoe collection or my hair straightener, as a guy you too would probably roll your eyes and swipe left, right?
24. You’re surrounded by hot girls in your photos
I already predict an emotionally taxing future where I’m jealous of your hot girl friends and I just don’t want to go down that road
25. Your photo is you giving a Ted Talk
Honestly I would rather you be unemployed than be a person who posts photos of them giving a Ted Talk
26. You keep talking about how you like adventure and your weekends are jam packed with it
This is just a personal preference. I like to go out and do things on weekdays, and then use my weekends to chill out and hang at home, cancel plans, etc. Some of these guys keep referencing adventure and making the most of life and reading their description alone just tires me out. Left.
Ahhh, there we go! That was a goddamn cleanse and yes I do now understand what my friend meant when he said that I come across as negative on my blog.
Honestly, at this point I come across online as fully unhinged, so why stop now, you know?
Have you seen anything truly disheartening on dating apps, or do you have any personal pet peeves of your own? If so, let me know! I’m happy to keep updating this blog post until it’s about the 50+ profiles I swipe left on.
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