3 Personality Tests for Your Relationship

I fucking love personality quizzes. I’m one of those people you roll your eyes at that put their Myers Briggs personality type in the description of their dating profile, and who subtly asks you if you have a morning routine in attempts to see if your type is “J” or “P”.

Personality quizzes (most of them - Buzzfeed not included) usually give us good insight into who we are, and how we act around our family, friends, etc.

For example, my type is ENFP. I like spontaneity. I like deep, meaningful conversations (especially with other “N” types). I like starting projects and never finishing them, brainstorming new ideas, and being adaptable.

Knowing my type helps me find out things I like, but what do I need? Especially when I’m in a relationship. How do you find out what you need to be satisfied in a relationship?

Once again, my endless trove of internet consumption and scrolling have paid off! Enter: relationship quizzes.

Here are 3 quizzes that I suggest everyone takes to find out what they need to be fulfilled in a relationship.

1. Love Language

I’m starting with this one first, because odds are that you’ve heard of this one before (it’s becoming a bit mainstream).

The idea of this is that there are 5 different love ‘languages’, which are ways that we give and receive love. The different languages are:

  • Words of affirmation (complimenting someone, telling them you love them, etc)

  • Quality time (spending time with someone - good time, that means not checking your phone constantly)

  • Physical touch (not just boinking, this is more about touches of affection, hugs, cuddles)

  • Acts of service (taking out the garbage for someone, making them dinner, etc)

  • Gifts (this doesn’t mean materialistic, but giving someone a card, or something small that you thought they would like)

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Now you can check out this website for an official dive into what this means (and I suggest buying the book! It’s an easy read) but I’ll give you my 101 on this.

You’re lucky if you end up in a relationship where both of your love languages are the same. If so - you and your partner probably inherently know how to make each other happy, because you speak the same language.

If you and your partner don’t speak the same language, then it’s work, damnit! And this is most likely the case.

In my last relationship, my boyfriend’s love language was physical touch, and mine was words of affirmation. When he came home from work, there was nothing more that made him feel loved than a big hug right as he came through the door. I, on the other hand, hate to be touched right when I get home (I know, weird). If he touched me, he would have been trying to express love (through his language) but it wouldn’t have fit mine. Instead, I would have loved questions about my day, which would speak my love language.

I highly suggest you check out the website above and google this! It really is a mind blowing change once you figure out how to give and receive love in specific languages.

2. Apology Language

Ha! Now this one I bet you haven’t heard of yet! Which is interesting, because it’s made by the founder of Love Languages.

You can check out more here, but

Here are the 5 apology languages:

  • Expressing regret (“I feel awful about what I’ve done”)

  • Accepting responsibility (“I’m sorry. I was wrong. It was my fault”)

  • Genuine repentance (“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again because (solution/way to fix it)”)

  • Requesting forgiveness (“I’m sorry. Please forgive me”)

  • Making restitution (“I’m so sorry. I’ll do ______ to make it up to you”)

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The idea is the same as the love languages above. If your apology language is Expressing Regret, and your partner shows up an hour late to dinner saying, “I’m so sorry. I’ll buy dinner next week too to make it up to you” (Making Restitution) you’re probably still going to be pissed off. But if they show up and say “I’m so sorry, I let you down by not being here at the time I promised, and I was kicking myself in the cab over the entire time, I feel horrible and I’m sorry” you’ll probably be happy as a clam. Maybe still a bit pissed because now you’re hungry, too, but significantly less pissed than you could be.

I think the love languages are incredibly important, but good lord - apology languages help a lot too.

3. Attachment Type

About a year ago, back in San Francisco, my therapist recommended the book “Attached” to me. Let me just say, yes. She hit it on the head. I was meant to read it.

The book Attached talks about how there are 3 different attachment styles

  • Secure

  • Anxious

  • Avoidant

I have dated all 3 types! I’m very well versed. To break it down:

Secure types are as they sound, secure in a relationship. They’re comfortable with love, and intimacy, and also secure in their relationship where they don’t have anxious thoughts of being abandoned or unloved. These people (they say) make up 50% of the population.

Anxious types (such as yours truly) are also how they sound, hella anxious. These people are more likely to be clingy, seek validation, be very affectionate, and freak out over small things (ie: he didn’t text me back, obviously he must have stopped loving me in the past hour).

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And lastly, avoidant types, are avoidant (duh, right? Why am I typing this?). These are the types of people that push others away when feelings get close, ghost people, and are scared of falling in love. They’re used to relying on themselves, and hate to give the illusion or act like they need anybody else in their life. And yes, I’ve dated a lot of them.

The book Attached stresses that none of these attachment types are bad (though we can all argue that Secure is the best). We develop these attachment styles during our childhood and teenage years, and it’s something that stays with us. The best thing to do is to find your attachment style, and then seek a partner that compliments that. For example, anxious and avoidant people are drawn to each other - but take it from me, if you’re an anxious attachment type, don’t date someone who is avoidant. And this book gives you a great guide to figure out someone’s type from a mile away.


So there are you are! 3 fantastic ways to gain some insight into your personality, and how you act/what you need in a relationship. I knew I was an ENFP, but now I know I’m an anxiously attached, words of affirmation, accept responsibility/expressing regret type of person. Don’t I sound like a catch? Do you want to get in line to date me?

If you know of any other quizzes like this, drop me a line! Also, I’m working on a blog post that gathers an arsenal of all the personality quizzes you could possibly dream of, so stay tuned for that.

Lovingly,
S


Shannon McNamaraComment