How to dress as Shannon McNamara for Halloween
Listen, I get it. I’m a superstar.
My blog has won the Pulitzer Prize, been featured in The Bible and the number one reason why extraterrestrial life is considering dropping in for a visit on earth is to meet me. FluentlyForward is rocking. I’m a household name.
And as the days get a bit darker and the leaves start to fall from the trees, we all sooner or later turn to ideas of our Halloween costume. How should I dress up? Who will I embody for a night of decadent fun? Who can I become?
And exactly 983,000 people have written in asking how they can be me, Shannon McNamara, for Halloween.
Listen, I get it, and I want to help you. So here are some best ways to dress as me for Halloween. Let’s start with the feet.
I have bunions, baby! Having bunions is a big part of my identity and I’m not saying that in a haha funny way, I actually mean it. You don’t need to fake bunions for the costume, just wear shoes that will let your bunions have some room. About 90% of the time I can be found in these Charleston Shoe Company shoes.
Act the part: Mention your bunions throughout the night, and use them as excuses for things. For example, you don’t want to go to the dingy dive bar down the street? Suddenly your bunions hurt and you can only walk to the nearby speakeasy.
Now moving upwards from the feet to the legs, use St. Tropez self tanner. If you are already tan, paint yourself white and then use fake tanner on the white paint. Fake tanning is pretty essential to me.
Did I only start doing it a year ago? Yes.
Do I now do it every week? Also, yes.
Fake tanning is important because I wear dresses nearly every single day. I really only own a few pairs of pants. I only own one pair of shorts.
Dresses are just a way of life and they don’t shame you for eating too much like waistbands of jeans do. Frankly I think everyone should be wearing more dresses. It’s a one-stop shop for covering your body with clothes. The dress you should wear to embody me for Halloween this year is this one.
Act the part: Tell a story at your Halloween party about that time you saw stains on your bed, freaked out and thought it was bug beds, demanded that the building bring in an exterminator, and realized weeks afterwards that the stains were from your fake tanner.
It pairs nicely with the shoes and I love wearing this dress to weddings.
What’s that? Halloween is at the end of October and it’s too cold to wear this outfit?
I know that! That’s why you’re pairing a jacket with this ensemble.
My favorite jacket of all time is one from Staple the Label that I have tried to find online but I simply can’t. I bought it over two years ago at this bougie and expensive consignment store in San Francisco.
There was a solid month where I wore nothing but this jacket in San Francisco. I adore it. It’s timeless, cool looking, and is it a jacket or is it more of a renaissance cape? I don’t know! Also this is great to bring to the movie theatre because it’s basically a big ass blanket and can double so in places where they pump the air conditioning.
So what goes under the outfit? A thong that you stole from Victoria’s Secret with your girlfriends. And a bra that is probably a bit too old and you should be getting a new one.
There we go! Now that we’ve taken care of the clothing, let’s move on to jewelry.
A delicate, simple ring on the middle finger of your left hand. A tattoo on the middle finger of your right hand.
For earrings, diamond studs that your ex-boyfriend bought you.
Act the part: Throughout the night, as you get progressively drunker, consider selling them to a pawn store so you can forget his memory. End up talking yourself out of it because they’re expensive and nice, and diamonds after all so you might as well hold onto them.
For makeup, make sure your skin is dry in some places and oily enough in others that the United States is tempted to invade your face and drill your nose for oil. That’s usually what my situation is. Mascara on your eyelashes, fill in your eyebrows, try to make your face look normal…that’s about it for makeup.
Hair baby, fucking hair! Hair is a huge deal for me. I take a lot of pride in maintaining blonde hair from childhood, mainly because it costs a lot of money to do so and at this point isn’t natural anymore.
Get yourself a big blonde wig with lots and lots of hair because I have lots and lots of hair and since the age of 6 I’ve been praying that half of it would go away and be naturally straight already.
My hair is usually a bit wavy or curled at the bottoms because I straighten it before bed, and then sweat in my sleep. And that’s (tosses hair) how you get the look (puts sunglasses on).
Now that you have the outfit, skin, hair and makeup perfected, you are good to go!
Places in New York City that I would go trick-or-treating at:
Jeffrey Epstein’s mansion (I’ve already been…hopefully this time someone answers the door when you ring)
The New York Public Theatre
The 24 hour CVS at Astor Place
Dear Irving speakeasy
Sugarfish (the Soho Location)
Hail a cab and ask the cabbie for some candy
I hope you have an absolutely wonderful time at Halloween dressed as me! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! That means dating anyone under the age of 25 or drinking Chardonnay (the devil’s drink).