Your Definitive Guide to Vegan Cheese

I have (sadly) literally so much that I could say about cheese. I absolutely love cheese. My favorite meals were, and still are, mac n cheese, buttery noodles, and pizza. Do I have the taste buds of a 4th grader? You bet your boogers I do.

I'm also lactose intolerant, which I found out after years of stomach spasms, diarrhea, diarrhea at school, diarrhea at home, diarrhea on a first date once, bad gas, and literally more diarrhea. 

Did I still eat cheese? Yeah. Bet more of your boogers. I absolutely did. I would take Lactose Pills and pop a couple of those and then keep eating cheese. It would stop the diarrhea (most of the time...) but my body, to be frank, wasn't built for cheese, and I would still have all of the horrible side effects of dairy: bloating, breaking out, weird gas...I mean, it just wasn't great.

These things saved my butt(hole).

These things saved my butt(hole).

I could pull up my vegan soapbox and tell you about other reasons why dairy is bad for you (it involves baby cows being taken away from their mother days after birth and then killed so we can drink their mother's milk) or how studies have been done on how addictive cheese is (some studies say it's more addictive than cocaine haha) but at any rate, I get it. It's hard to quit cheese. Because it's so fucking tasty.

And most vegan cheese is bad. Most vegan cheese is actually, horrible, to be frank, but there are vegan cheeses out there that don't taste, look, and smell gross. Trust me. So after 3 years of being vegan and spending SO MUCH money on cheese so that others don't have to, let me present to you the best vegan cheeses, and the best ways to use them!

1. Miyoko

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You will not, hands down, find a better cheese than Miyoko. Here's a simple way to tell if vegan cheese is going to be good: cashews. The cheeses made from cashews (and sometimes soy) are usually the best, and Miyoko is primarily made from cashews. 

Their mozzarella cheese is insane because it literally browns and broils when you put it on pizza. It's very hard to find vegan cheese that melts and this one is FUCKING awesome. I honestly get so excited over Miyoko.

Their cheese wheels are best for spreading on crackers. Perfect for having a happy hour. Miyoko cheese and crackers and Rose I mean come on that's literally perfect. I suggest Cream and Chive, but to each their own, all the flavors are perfect. 

2. Chao

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I also fuck with Chao cheese. Nothing compares to Miyoko but Chao is a great second place option. Their cheese slices are great - they also melt, and it’s perfect for a grilled cheese. Who doesn’t like grilled cheese honestly everyone likes them it’s like liking air. Make a grilled cheese with Chao and you won’t be sorry. Eat it while you read a Calvin and Hobbes comic book. And then go play outside. Man…the perfect day.

3. Tofutti

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Tofutti is a special mention because it's not technically a cheese? I'm here to vouch for their cream cheese. This. Is. The best vegan cream cheese you will find. Stay the fuck away from Daiya! I'll talk about Daiya later in this post but ew fuck no! Go with Tofutti and you won't be sorry. I honestly can't taste a difference from this to normal cream cheese it's that good.

4. Go Veggie

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First of all, how cute is this name? "Go Veggie" it's adorable. It makes me think of one little cute rabbit cheering on another rabbit in like...a spelling bee. 10/10 for the name. 

And 10/10 for this grated parmesan cheese this is another item that tastes like the god damn real thing. I once literally brought this to a restaurant with me to put it on my pasta. It's mostly made out of coconut which makes me honestly so confused because, like I said, it tastes like the god damn real thing! Cooking sorcery! 

Wow I look like a clown here but if you have the picture you have to post it I guess?

Wow I look like a clown here but if you have the picture you have to post it I guess?

Okay now pay attention though because there's a side note for this brand.

0/10 for the shredded cheese it's fucking gross ew!!!! Do NOT get the shredded cheese it basically tastes like Daiya! I'm so confused that a company could nail the fuck out of one type of cheese and then make ass sludge for another (Go Veggie if you're reading this I'm so sorry) but yeah, to conclude, only get the parmesan grated cheese.

5. Treeline 

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I have to say it, the label "Treenut Cheese" on here always strikes me as hilarious and I picture that old Keebler Elf like jacking off in his treehouse to make this cheese and once again if any company is reading this post I truly, am so sorry. 

It's this guy I picture jacking off. This one right here.

It's this guy I picture jacking off. This one right here.

But my weird sexual daydreams aside, this is a great cracker spreading cheese. It's not as good as the others, but it's pretty damn solid. Just make sure if you have a friend try it you present it as a "spread" and not "cheese" because it's...just that. It's a yummy, savory spread, but not that cheesy in taste. 

Things to stay the fuck away from!

Do not eat Daiya. 

EWWWWW!!!!!

EWWWWW!!!!!

Like, I know I apologized to other companies on here at certain times, but I will NEVER apologize for this. Daiya is horrible. It is this cheese that gives vegan cheese such a horrible name. Because for some god damn reason it's the most popular vegan cheese! When you try a vegan pizza, this ass cheese is what you get! And then everyone thinks vegan cheese is bad!

It looks like snot, it's slimy, and it tastes like chemicals and glue I don't know how else to describe it. It's just...no. No good. But their mac n cheese is alright. Actually it's not great. Just don't do Daiya!

Honorable mentions

- Kite Hill has amazing ravioli but their cream cheese is ass
- Annie's Vegan Mac n cheese is the best one you will find, hands down!
- Heidi Ho is meh for cracker spreading
- So Delicious has amazing ice cream, but stay away from their shredded cheese
- Please don't eat Daiya I truly can't stress it enough

Off to find some crackers,
S