What about San Francisco makes people so liberal and pretentious?

Have you ever seen someone burn a bridge online in the span of just a single blog post? If you haven’t, buckle up. Because I’m going to be talking about the invasion of nerdy pretentious douches that seem to have overtaken San Francisco.

I’m currently living in New York, but from the years of 2016-2018, I lived in San Francisco.

I lived in the Mission, Japan Town and Cole Valley. I worked for a technology startup, and had friends who worked in finance and consulting…so it was a pretty typical twenty-something San Francisco experience.

And during the two years I spent there, I couldn’t help but realize that almost everyone there is a pretentious douche.

They’re not a douche in a way you would expect. This San Francisco Douche isn’t a Los Angeles douche, who immediately exposes their douchery by talking about all of their connections, and promptly leaving your conversation when they find out that you can’t help them climb the LA ladder. This is very different from the New York Douche, who is coked-up and talking to you while not making eye contact and browsing the bar for the next hotter girl.  

The San Francisco Douche is a Douche-In-Disguise because they are douchey about things that are really hard to be douchey about.

They’re douchey about rock climbing. About hiking. About craft beer. About Allbirds and great quality backpacks. They’re douchey about which startups are rumored to go public, how many Ted Talks they’ve given, and what type of diet/lifestyle they’re on (which is a bit similar to the LA douche, but still different).  

People in San Francisco love to be right, always. I was once hanging out with my ‘San Francisco’ friends and asked them over some drinks, “hey, if you could be any vegetable, what vegetable would you be?” – because yes, that’s the type of 9-year-old I am.

One of my friends responded with, “Corn” and I asked, “Corn like kernels of it? Or corn on the stalk?”

He looked at me and said, “It’s not corn on the stalk. It’s corn on the cob, or corn that’s inside of the husk. Corn doesn’t grow from the stalk part of the plant.”

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This scenario, for me, is what San Francisco is.

It’s having to be completely right, about everything, otherwise someone will tell you exactly what you’re wrong about, and how it’s dangerous to spread that misinformation. 

It’s not being able to complain about the fact that you were chased by a homeless person in The Mission because your co-workers will explain to you that ultimately, you have privilege that a homeless person doesn’t, so they’re allowed to sleep on your doorstep whenever they want and shit on your foot if they get the urge to.

It’s being criticized by your male friends because Trump’s “grab her by the pussy” line made you give a little giggle at first, and apparently that was anti-woman of you – a woman with a full-on vagina – to do. And they know more about women’s feelings than know about your own.

It’s employees criticizing their CEO for not being politically correct enough (and the CEO having to then apologize for something that is not offensive), and everyone you see on dating apps having a photo of themselves on a TedX stage, and having to pay $11 for a latte even though you had to step over a homeless person to get into the coffee shop.

Wow, I have to admit…that felt pretty damn good to write. I think I’ve had that on my chest for a long time.

But now, I live in goddamn Manhattan, baby! And it’s the best city in the world, it’s damn true.

There is a percentage, a small percentage of homeless people here that there are in San Francisco. And they ask me for money as I walk by, I feel safe enough to give them a few bucks, and they say “god bless you, ma’am!”. You know what they don’t do? Poop on the sidewalk at 1pm and spit on me as I walk by.

And there are a few douchey finance bros in New York, but guess what? Finance isn’t the main thing here. San Francisco has tech and startups. That’s about it. New York has finance, and fashion, and real estate, and theatre, and education, and healthcare, and startups, and an amazing restaurant culture. There’s just more here. There’s variety.  

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Don't get me wrong, I liked San Francisco enough at first. And there are a lot of good selling points! Wine country is close by, pot is legal, Tahoe is a drive away....and you know, pot is legal. It was pretty nice that pot was legal. (The other benefits typically require a car and I had to rent one).

But it’s insanely expensive to live there, and when you are living there, you’re paying out your ass to live in a place where the streets are dirtier than some of the world’s poorest slums.

Also, you’re surrounded by pretentious liberal nerds, there, I said it.

So if you’re currently living in San Francisco, and sick of spending $3000 to live in a tiny studio, where a crack addict lives on your doorstep, and you have to work in a start-up that doesn’t pay you that well, and is filled with employees who got mad at the CEO for not addressing to the company that he was upset by Trump’s election the morning after the election (I’m not making this up) then just say “fuck it,” and move to New York like I did.

As Liz Lemon would say, “concrete bunghole where dreams aren’t made of, there’s nothing you can do!”

So, as someone who did it personally, I highly encourage anyone who is unhappy in San Francisco to get outta there!

Come to a place with amazing bagels and pizza. A place where there’s a variety of different people, not just a bunch of people who have the same job, same social status, and same economic status - but consider themselves “different” because they got a degree in liberal arts and think that makes them diverse.

Come to a place that’s actually diverse. And not up its own ass.

New York - 100, San Francisco - 0.

Anyway, I’m off to my local bar, and then grabbing a slice for $1.50 on 1st avenue. God damn, New York City is the best city.

Carbo-loading awaits!
S