The 9 types of Bumble BFFs I will always swipe left on

I didn't realize how much of a bitch I was until I signed up for Bumble BFF. My intentions were good! My good girl friends in my city had moved away, and I was left with my boyfriend and close male friends. Honestly, even that felt weird to type. Because I've never been a "guy's girl". I'm sensitive, emotional, my only love of video games is for The Sims, and generally I just find girls easier to get along with.

The answer to my prayer: Bumble BFF! I wanted to find a BFF: someone to do makeup with, go out to happy hour with, gossip about celebrities, take cute candid photos of each other, get drunk and kind of kiss each other, have it be confusing but swear we're only friends, then lose touch and find it hard to reconnect when she reaches back out...you know, just a classic girl friendship.

And then 2 hours into swiping I realized that I hate most of these girls. I was confused. I'm not a woman hater. I am TEAM WET VAGINA I mean what's going on here?!?!

It left me to reflect. Perhaps I am not the woman lover I believe I am. But at any rate, here are the 9 types of Bumble BFFs I will always swipe left on.

1. Alexa

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Technically, there's nothing wrong with Alexa. It's just that her occupation is a model, she's gorgeous, and despite her profile saying that she likes to go out to eat, I simply can't believe her because she looks like a size 0. A relationship needs to be built on trust and I can't trust someone who is that pretty. It's not petty. It's just about trust. I swear.

2. Katie

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Katie isn't as drop-dead gorgeous as Alexa, but she's still incredibly pretty and all of her photos are VSCO-ed to a drop of life. I like candid photos as much as the next girl but I don't want to have to flat-lay every single meal that we eat together so NEXT!

3. Juliet

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Juliet is...fine, I guess? She went to a school on the east coast and likes dogs and cooking and hiking? She also likes "movie night at home" which I've never understood. Isn't that just watching a movie on Netflix? I have no real reason to swipe left but I do because I'm UNINSPIRED! 

4. Osla

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Osla is way foreign and just moved here from Russia and yes sure maybe I'm a bitch but I tend to swipe left on foreign people??? Oh god that sounds horrible, doesn't it. 

5. Kerry

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Kerry is looking to "expand her girl gang" her "squad" and honestly that makes me feel cheap so I'm SWIPING LEFT, KERRY!

6. Rachel

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Any girl with a snapchat filter gets the axe. BYE!

7. Chloe

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Same with mirror selfies. Bye Chloe! 

8. Rachel

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Rachel says that she likes "Netflix" and this always sends me into a RAGE SWIPE. Everyone likes Netflix. It's literally like liking air. That's like me saying I like Google Maps or Instagram or Uber. THESE ARE DAILY USE ITEMS. OF COURSE YOU LIKE THEM. I rage swipe on you, Rachel!

9. Courtney

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Instead of using words to describe what food and activities she likes, Courtney describes them ALL with emojis and that literally makes me ill so goodbye Courtney.


We tried to reach the author of this post for further comment but she said she was too busy texting her long distance best friend and apparently also busy being a judgemental bitch so she didn't have time for a comment.

MiscShannon McNamara