Your Comprehensive List of Things to Do Instead of Texting Your Ex

I have texted exes about 50 times throughout my lifetime, and I can say confidently that I have regretted 100% of all said texts.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, so through quote science…I am definitionally crazy.

We all fall prey to this. You know you shouldn’t text your ex, but the longer they stay in your mind and you don’t take action, the more the idea of sending off a text and making something happen seems deliciously right.

So we send that dangerous text, fling our phone across the room, and then wait in an anxiety-ridden ball for a response (or lack thereof) that leads us going “why the fuck did I text them?!”

The key here, my fellow crazy brethren, is to distract yourself. I’m a big fan of love. Romantic relationships, horribly enough, are always the number one priority in my life (I blame all the YA romance novels I grew up on for this). And while this is great for my therapist’s bank account, it’s horrible for my own life. I’m always thinking about love, and when I’m not distracted my brain will circle the topic hundreds of times. Cue: acting on those thoughts and texting an ex.

Over the years, however, I have created a fail-safe list of distractions that will keep you from texting your ex, and then shame-spiraling for the rest of the day. I present to you…your list of distractions.

The Comprehensive List of Things to Do Instead of Texting Your Ex

1. Call your grandmother or grandfather

And it’s important that you keep this to grand-family instead of regular ones. It’s more of a distraction to talk with your grandparent than your regular parents, because regular parents are more familiar, and before you know it you’re talking to them about your ex, and the distraction has failed!

2. Paint your nails

This is great because it’s a lot harder to physically touch your phone if you need to wait for your nails to dry. If I get the urge to make any rash decision, I try to quickly put a coat of paint on my nails. It’s like when parents baby-proof their house so the toddler doesn’t stick their fingers into electrical outlets, except I’m baby-proofing myself so I don’t make irrational emotional decisions.

3. Go to a physical workout class

No working out in your apartment, you stupid bitch! Sorry for the harsh language, but we all know that working out in your apartment leads to you spending 5 minutes on a YouTube workout class and then giving up. Get exercise clothes on, and leave the house and your phone in the house. The endorphin rush after the class will clear your mind and set you back to neutral.

4. Go on StreetEasy or Zillow and look at apartments you can’t afford

This is always fun, because it forces your mind to daydream about something else entirely. Instead of wondering what your ex is up to, and if they’re thinking about you, you can instead imagine what your life would be like if you lived in a 3.3 million dollar mansion in New York City.

5. Put a white strip on your teeth

This is similar to the “paint your nails” tip. No one feels sexy when they have a white strip in, and you’ll mentally just feel awkward for the next hour so texting your ex is delayed by at least 60 minutes.

6. Smoke a cigarette

Yes, I’m suggesting smoking. Even if you don’t smoke, go buy a pack of smokes and have one. Cigarettes aren’t good for your health, but neither is texting your ex! So do a little trade-off, get outside in the cold, smoke that cigarette and channel your Lana Del Rey vibes as you do it. Lana Del Rey wouldn’t text her ex, would she?

7. Clean out your closet

This is a productive thing to do, and will trick your brain into thinking that you’re taking action on the problem at hand. Technically the problem is that your ex is on your mind, but we can try to fool the brain into thinking differently. Brains aren’t that smart. If they were, you wouldn’t be in this position right now!

8. Cook something intricate

I’m not talking about ramen, or frying an egg. This is the time to try one of those hour-or-longer recipes that you look at and wonder “who the hell has time for that?”. Well, now you do! Get your hands really into, chop and crush and squeeze until your hands are so dirty that the effort to wipe them off and text is just too great and you can’t be bothered.

9. Rearrange your room

In a big way. Don’t just move your shoes from one side to the other, I’m talking make-your-downstairs-neighbors-pissed type of rearranging. Put the bed in the opposite corner, and move your chair into the living space and your desk into your room. Do something noticeably different, and psychologically this new living space will put you into a different frame of mind than you were in before.

10. Online shop

What’s a $120 bill compared to the mental anguish you would feel over taking an emotional step backwards? It’s nothing! So get on and buy 2 things you know you’ll wear, and 3 things you know you would never wear, but you’re curious about.

The list of things that you shouldn’t do when trying to not text your ex is pretty simple: for the love of god don’t drink. When I drink, I’ll text my exes from freaking high school because I have no self-control and become incredibly emotional. So get high, or snort coke, or I don’t know plug something up your butt, just for the love of all things sweet do not drink!

And if these 10 steps don’t work for you, and you end up texting that ex, don’t stress about it too much. Because, as my motto goes, any embarrassing thing you do is a chance for new blog content - so there’s always a silver lining.